Full-Service House Painter

I’m going to paint your house white. I know you probably wanted some other color — yellow or gray or spearmint or something. But that’s too bad. I only do white. And don’t make any dumb presidential jokes either.

Go ahead, get somebody else. I have a waiting list fifty names long for my services. Actors, ballplayers want me to paint their house. Last month I did a job for Bill Gates. Yeah, okay, I did the White House too.

The thing is, I used to let the customer pick the color. That’s how my dad taught me; that’s how everybody does it. But one day I got this real indecisive guy who couldn’t choose between periwinkle and peach. We were standing there holding up swatches for four hours.

“Screw it,” I said. “I’m painting it white.”

Next thing I know, the guy’s recommending me to his brother and his boss and all his neighbors. I’ve got more business than I know what to do with. Turns out everybody wants someone to just come and paint their house white.

So go ahead, call one of the other guys. I really don’t need your money. I’m starting up a second business now, kind of a full-service thing. I tell you what groceries to buy — if you don’t like mayo, you will soon. I pick out your car — guess what color? I even name your kids — I like Bob for boys and Ann for girls. I figure I can quit painting inside of a year and just do all my work over the phone. Except if somebody goes and buys a red Camaro or something. Then I go break their nose.

Sure, just sign right here.

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