So you got some acid in your eyes

Are you having a Health Problem? Perhaps you should, very quickly, sign up for CIGNA Healthcare. They have a very special health information library, which is on the electric telephone for those of you who do not have an Internet in the home. Simply use the handy reference book (provided to CIGNA members only) to find the code for your condition — then type the code into your electric (touchtone) telephone. An electric audiotape will provide you with information on your condition.

Say, for instance, you have just sprayed 1000 cc of hydrochloric acid into each of your eyes. Just whip out your reference book (you should probably keep it with you when you’re planning to do things like this). Then look up the code for “something in the eyes.” Don’t just try to look up “eyes”; that would be silly. “Eyes” are not a medical condition. Then you need to punch the code into your touchtone phone. You should probably take a monkey or a child with you into dangerous situations, so they can do this for you if you’re incapacitated. The monkey should be a small monkey. As a bonus, your simian/juvenile assistant can flush your eyes with water as per the CIGNA health library’s recommendation. Admit it — you never would’ve thought of this on your own. You are pretty lucky I clued you in. If you still have something in your eyes, you might want to call CIGNA right now. You should probably not just be dicking around reading blogs.

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5 Responses to “So you got some acid in your eyes”

  1. Hissy Cat Says:

    Wow. Their library is so very, very thorough. After you have listened to this:

    3742 Normal Development: 12 to 15 Months Old
    3743 Normal Development: 15 to 18 Months Old
    3744 Normal Development: 18 to 24 Months Old
    3745 Normal Development: 2 to 4 Months Old
    3746 Normal Development: 2 Weeks to 2 Months Old
    3747 Normal Development: 2 Years Old
    3748 Normal Development: 3 Years Old
    3749 Normal Development: 4 to 6 Months Old
    3750 Normal Development: 4 Years Old
    3751 Normal Development: 5 Years Old
    3752 Normal Development: 6 to 9 Months Old
    3753 Normal Development: 9 to 12 Months Old

    You can listen to the Cigna-bot read an entire volume of Foucault to you over the phone:

    4313 Discipline and Punishment

    (I know you!)

  2. Anna Says:

    Or dial,

    4314 Imprint of Belt Buckle in Middle of Forehead

    (I know you back!)

  3. Mars Says:

    What about “Teenagers and Homosexuality”?

    That one is mystifying – how can you have children in their teens and be gay? It boggles the mind.

    And don’t go bringing up Felicity Huffman’s character in Transamerica – she was an M to F.

  4. MarsIAm » Blog Archive » CIGNA is funny Says:

    […] If you’re quenched for more found humor, this post over at The Annalog is a classic. […]

  5. Anna Says:

    I think “Teens and Homosexuality” is for parents who think their teens might be gay. But as I point out below, as long as your last name begins with F-Z, you have nothing to worry about!

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