Elton John is 200% straight

Today’s Gawker reveals the existence of a public list of all the gay people in the world. Who’s on it, you ask? Well, there’s

Quentin Crisp, British actor, author, and wit

and

Giacomo Casanova, Italian seducer – bon vivant

and

Sir Harold Acton, British art writer, aesthete

These examples lend weight to the long-held hypothesis that if you enjoy being a wit or an aesthete, you may also enjoy being a gay man.

Perhaps more surprising, however, are those exemplars of wit and aesthetics who are not on the list. Elton John, for instance, is missing, as are Rock Hudson and Liberace. It seems that these gay icons are not actually gay. In fact, what the list reveals is that all gay people have surnames beginning in the letters A-E. That means if your name is, say, Reynolds or Rice, you are completely straight! However, if your surname is Cooper and you are planning on having children, you may want to change your name. If you don’t, they will probably turn out gay.

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